by Alyssa Galios

It’s Okay If You’re Not Okay

All in all, it’s beautiful

Sometimes you feel alone.

Sometimes you’re surrounded by friends.

At times your smile is brightest.

At times you wish you were dead.

Sometimes your heart skips a beat.

Sometimes you wonder where it went.

At times you hold the one you lost.

Until you realize what you thought was lost…

was actually only sent.

BAD THINGS AND BIG DREAMS

To share in these things… these bad things… These big dreams. These nightmares. These laughs. These screams… {{This}} is what it is to live. YOU are not alone. I am NOT alone. WE are all in this together. We ALL have those days… and THOSE days. This life is hard. This world can be so lonely. But, if you reach out… If you reach up…. You’ll find it really isn’t. We are all in this together.

We spend too much of our lives setting up expectations. Deciding what life should or shouldn’t be. This is where we are wrong.

For awhile, after I lost my baby to miscarriage… and awhile later, after I lost my husband to cancer…. I asked “Why?” …. “Why ME?”

But, now I see it for what it is. Why NOT me? Why not YOU? Why not us? We live in a reality where death is unfortunately an absolute and complete certainty. Everything in this world is decaying. Everything and everyone. Life is created on this planet and, in the same instant, thus starts the process of decay. I don’t think we were made for this. I don’t think this is our natural state, but I do know that we have to do with what we have and that we are in this.

It’s Okay if you aren’t okay

We haven’t been taught how to deal with pain. No matter what your pain is from, death, betrayal, denial, disappointment, or rejection, many of us try to deny it. Your pain is real and yet we all work so hard to hide it.

We post our smiles and our parties… We filter every picture and present a clean exterior as best we know how. Yes, let’s focus on the good days. Yes, let’s focus on the sunshine. But, please don’t turn your head to those who need you most. To those who are forced to live under a gloomy cloud today. It’s not all about finding peace, or even happiness on this side of heaven, it’s about LIVING as best we can. And LIVING sometimes means hurting.

But, beautiful things can be born of even the darkest days. Broken dark can allow for light to break through. When you feel it, let it shine. Let your guard down.

Be happy.

Or, be sad.

But, whatever you are… Be it, genuinely.

Everyone has a story. And… NO ONE ELSE can play your part. <3

At Least I Am Moving

I want to change. I want to:

Slow down.

Be a better listener.

Be less concerned about others’ opinions and more concerned about God’s.

Have more fun.

Be a blessing.

I know I could do so many things better. So many things. I could be such a better person. When I pay attention to my thoughts… I can hear it. I can hear the person that I don’t want to be. The one that worries constantly, that judges others, that blames herself most of all. But, most of the time, I’m not paying attention to my thoughts. I’m just letting them run. Im just being “me.” Im just being my “normal” self. The self that I’ve become in twenty-seven years of living and sacrificing and striving and wanting.

As much as self-reflection hurts, as much as it stings… It’s necessary in this journey if we want to be better. It would be SO much easier for me to say, “Well, this is just who I am. I can be selfish, I can be jealous, I can be petty, and I can be stiff. I guess you all just have to deal with it.” But, I CAN also change.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s too late. I’m in my late-twenties (too funny! I totally just typed “mid-twenties” and realized that almost-twenty-eight is pretty far past that. Nice try, darlin!) and my life has shaped me. The culture I’ve grown up in, the parents I had, the situations I’ve faced, the deaths that I’ve seen, the books that I’ve read, the propaganda that flashes before my eyes, the truths I’ve experienced, the lies that I’ve trusted, the way my thoughts have twisted realities… the list goes on and on.

It’s true to a degree that no one can deny… that we are shaped by our circumstances. Not entirely, no. But, at least markedly. Growing up in the Seattle is different than growing up in Taiwan. Growing up in a nice house in a good neighborhood is different than growing up in a mobile home park governed by drug lords. Growing up with parents who cared and tried their best is different than growing up with parents who remained painfully disinterested.

We all have things that mark us. We all have things that scare us. Things that scar us.

Our choice is how much we heal. Our choice is what we do about it. Our choice is looking past what we “know.”

step it up

We can decide to unlearn the things our heart has grasped onto.

You CAN be loved again.

You CAN be happy.

You CAN succeed.

You CAN trust in the goodness of God, even when you are standing in the broken mess of your life.

So, you haven’t made it as far as you would like by now? Yeah. Me neither. You feel older than you’d like? You feel like you haven’t made a difference? You feel like time is passing too quickly and your soul isn’t catching up? I feel those things too.

But, no matter what you see, what you feel. If you try and believe it will work, you WILL make progress. I believe it.

Big changes can be so entirely overwhelming. How can I alter my fast-pace to a life lived in slow, trusting, seeing peace? How can I go from loud to quiet so others can have a voice? How can I stop caring what the world may think and start caring more about God? How can I have fun when I know the accidents that can occur when we let down our guard? How can I change from living every hour for myself to living every hour as a blessing to others?

You might have different things that you know you could improve on. Maybe you want to be a better person and to do that you know that changes must be made: to your health or your relationships or your thoughts.

Feel overwhelmed? Like the drastic end result that you are trying to achieve is just too far away, too far off from the person you are today? Just remember that God will help you if you ask. We can’t sit back and not make changes and expect God to do all the work, but we CAN do the work with God by our side. All it takes is a prayer and a single step. Every. Step. Counts.

Even if you take only one step forward and end up falling two steps back… at least you are moving.

I know what I want. And if it takes me a lifetime of trying… only to eventually fail, at least I’ll know that I tried. One baby step at a time. Focused on the God who tells me I can walk on water. I can trod on my mistakes. I can step on the lessons I’ve learned and use them to propel me ever-forward.

I believe in a God who is constant in His ability to love us…. His love molds me, teaches me, shows me.

I don’t HAVE to be better for Him. He loves me already. I don’t HAVE to do anything, but I want to.

I want to be more like the person I was made to be. I want to be changed by Him from the inside out. So, I pray for Him. I pray for more of His presense. More of His peace. And, then… I walk.

One step.

Two steps.

Three shaky steps.

I am on my way! I’m in motion. Let’s hope our momentum propels us forward. Wish me luck!

—

I share these thoughts not for me, but for you. I shared this post in my personal journal and decided then that it might be something to help another. Did it help you? Any thoughts? Please share this post as much as you’d like. Let’s move together. There’s no use in going it alone.

It’s Not Always Up to You

God said to Jonah, ‘ Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?’

‘It is,’ Jonah replied. ‘And I am so angry I wish I were dead.’

But the Lord said, ‘You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight.’

Jonah 4:9-10

Here Just Yesterday

These last few weeks have been… interesting. A struggle to be sure. If I thought I was getting over my grief before, I was painfully mistaken. If I thought that the bulk of my hurt and anger had dissipated before, I was horribly wrong.

There’s something about the finality of planning a second birthday for Austyn without her daddy. There’s part of my heart that asks what happened to my first love as I begin to know what it is to really love another. There’s a lingering question of disbelief – ‘Was that really it? Are you really gone?’

Learn This

I love learning. Like, L.O.V.E. learning. I’m one of those nerds that wishes I could go to school indefinitely. I’m one of those bookworms that wants to curl up in a library for days on end. I try to treat every day as an adventure and every minute as a teaching moment. Yeah… love learning. (I even asked learning to be my valentine this year. Smooch! JK. Oh, that was corny…)

So, like I said… I love learning. But…

Some of these recent lessons are heart lessons and all these lessons are hard lessons.

Let me do it

Just as much as I love learning, I love control. Some might call it “picky” but I call it “organized.” (It just sounds nicer, doesn’t it?) I like every thing to have a place and every thing to be in its place. I like schedules and planners and spreadsheets. I like matching my tissue box to the decor in the room. I like being able to look at where we’ve been and where we are going. I want to map it all out. I want to know every turn before I leave the driveway. (I know what you are thinking… Control freak!)

Over the years, I’ve learned (a lesson that I didn’t enjoy – not so much) that I/we don’t always have control. Maybe you’ve come to this conclusion as well? I mean, we have choices. We can decide which curtains we want for the Master bedroom. We can decide whether we make it to the gym today or not. We can choose to show love to our spouses and children for another hard day. We can decide whether to reach out to people. We can choose to follow Jesus.

But, as many of you probably already know, we simply cannot control everything.

Many things are simply not up to me. Many things are simply not up to you.

Jonah

I’ve read the story of Jonah before… Probably, like, a billion times. (I’m really good at exaggerating. If you ever need an exaggerator, hire me. Pro-status!)

But, I never read that last bit of the story of Jonah the way I did today. Right before the end of the book. Right before we close on this story, this chapter. The Bible says something here that I didn’t think much of before. Something that was profound, for me, today.

As I read the end of Jonah 4, the words changed around on the page in front of me. It went from God speaking to Jonah to God saying something to me:

God: ‘Alyssa, do you have a right to be angry about losing Nick?’

Me: ‘I do! And, I am so freakin angry I wish I were dead!’

God: ‘You have been so upset over Nick, over his leaving you. Though, you did not create Nick… You did not make him grow. He was formed overnight and died overnight. His life was and always had been in my hands, before he was even born. His life was never in your hands.”

Me: ‘Uhhhhhhh…”(Mouth open…Dumbfounded.)

Cycles of Grief

As I enter my second year without Nick, I am experiencing whole new levels of grief. New levels of confusion and anger as the finality and reality of my life sinks in.

I am overjoyed at the blessings God has given me, don’t get me wrong. I have such an amazing life and great family and wonderful friends. I’ve got the sweetest daughter (two next month!) and an absolutely-amazing boyfriend that showers me with love and affection to share my life with. I am surrounded by love.

But, love has slowly turned into something sinister. It’s become a new fear of sorts. I have been able to choose it everyday (so far) nonetheless, but after loss… Holy smokes. Love is a particularly scary thought. The thought that every person you love… you can lose. At any moment, they could vanish, any one of them. Not just to death, but to life. They could choose to leave you or choose to move away. Or, by no-one’s choice, they could leave this world for the next.

Do you know what I found myself doing these last few weeks? Subconsciously I found myself pulling away from those that I love. Telling myself that it might be smart to not love quite so much. Pulling away so that I could protect this little heart of mine. After all, I told myself…. if I don’t depend on anyone, if I don’t love, then it won’t really hurt if they disappear. Right?

Then God plopped a little quote down in front of me that had a pretty awesome impact. (I needed this, dude. Seriously perfect timing, as usual. Thanks, God.)

“The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love… is Hell.” – C.S. Lewis

Stop for a second. Read that again… Do you get it?

Whoa. I mean, I know “perturbations” is a big word. “Anxieties” is a synonym. Try it with that. “The only place… where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers and anxieties of love… is Hell.” And isn’t that just what this life becomes without love? A form of absolute Hell.

Dangerous Love

Loving another is some serious risky business (much riskier than Tom Cruise’s dance in a movie of the same name). It’s for-real serious. It can feel like life or death… and sometimes it is.

But, I do believe it’s what we are made for. We are made to live with one another and to love one another.

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

Truly loving another more than you love yourself is exactly that. It is laying down your life, your soul, for your loved one. God poured His very life and love into us so that we can do the same for others.

Walk On

So, as I continue along in this 27 year (so far) long journey, I find myself fighting a new fear; the fear of feeling far too much. But, I am facing it now with determination, with a warrior’s heart. I’m gathering all my strength and I am hard bent to feel. For feeling is what makes up life. Not just the good stuff, but the sad stuff too. Feeling is what makes us human and I don’t want to shy away from my humanness. I want to embrace it.

Think the meaning of life is to be happy? Perhaps it is. But, I think the meaning of life is also to be sad. We are made to feel.

Let me challenge you (I’m speaking to myself here, too). When happiness arrives, be grateful for it! But, do not cling to it. When pain arrives, do the same. Be grateful for it because it is just a part of this life experience! But do not cling to it. Do not become a martyr or a victim.

When you are sad: have a good cry.

When you are joyful: please, please(!!) dance.

When you want to care for another: choose to love.

Sometimes life can start to look like Facebook. We condition ourselves to think of our stories and others stories on certain terms. Polishing them and cutting out the tough spots so that our stories look controlled: pretty and perfect. But, we must remember that real, true life IS. NOT. about creating a perfect, polished reality. Life is hard. And, we shouldn’t be afraid to dive in and to share in even the hard parts. We shouldn’t be afraid to lean on and love each other through the hardest of days as well as celebrate with each other on the happiest ones.

This beautiful life

Life is one big grand surprise. One huge-mongous adventure! No matter how hard we try, we won’t be able to predict what is coming. We can’t sit in the driveway and map out every turn.

All we can do is choose to put the car in drive. We can choose to work our way through our pain. We can choose to be kind. And we can choose to do our best to follow Jesus and His plan for us.

There is beauty in the unknown. And there is a peace in knowing that we are not in control of it all. Let your feelings come. Be grateful to be a part of all of this magic, this good and this bad, life. Be grateful that nothing is permanent. Be grateful for your ability to heal and help others.

Maybe like Jonah a few thousand years ago, we can all continue to walk through this life, trusting God with heart lessons and our hard lessons. Trusting Him to continue to gently lead us to trust Him with even our greatest loves.

Until next time, keep me in your prayers. And, I’ll do the same for you. Feel free to send me a private message (alyssa-dot-magnotti-at-gmail-dot-com) or comment below. What have you been struggling with? What do you feel? Are you overjoyed? Are you sad? A mix of both? Don’t worry. We can all share in this life together. Now, let’s be purposeful about it!

“Just Be Brave” A Playlist For You

Oh. My. Gosh.

Remember that problem… From a few posts ago… About me having too much to share, too much to write. Holy smokes. I am having a writer’s avalanche. I’ve seriously got a cascade of thoughts coming down on me..

Doesn’t look like I’ll be able to dive into a long post today. I only have a few minutes until my angel wakes up from her nap. Speaking of my angel, she is growing up so fast! Two years old next month!! She is wearing a red tutu today, by the way, that is ridiculously adorable… I think tutus are my mommy-kryptonite. She wears them and those days she gets less No’s. I mean, how can you say no to a beautiful little smiley face like that, IN A TUTU?! She’s too darn precious). Anyway… sidetrack… Since I don’t have much time, I thought I would share a quick playlist with you. Oh, and this picture. I mean, goodness… Where did my baby go? This girl is almost officially a full-blown toddler!

Here are some songs I compiled that make me feel brave. I know I’ve got more, but these are the ones I’ve been listening to on repeat this last week where I’ve been battling some of my biggest fears yet.

Playlist: Be Brave

1. Banner by Lights

2. I Believe in You by Tyler Hamilton

3. You Never Let Go by AJ Michalka

4. Fearless by Group 1 Crew

5. Beautiful by Group 1 Crew

6. Golden Thread by Joy Williams

7. Hold Onto Hope Love by Amy Stroup

8. Beautiful For Me by Nichole Nordeman

9. Brave by Sara Bareilles

10. Believe by Yellowcard

I use Spotify to make and save Playlists. It’s an amazing app and I use it on my Mac and in my car. You can also follow other people and see what they are listening to and follow their playlists as well! This is one of my Public playlists, so if you don’t feel like going out and finding these songs yourself, just Follow my (Alyssa Magnotti) playlist called “Be Brave” on Spotify. It looks like this..

Hope this playlist gives you some extra courage as you face the week ahead. Sending positively courageous thoughts your way today and always.

Happy listening!

xoxo

When It Doesn’t Make Sense

The stars aligned when I met Nick. I tell ya. If anything has ever aligned… those stars did. Like, perfectly. Everything. Made. Perfect. Sense.

Three years later, my universe spun out of control when my own personal piece of perfect sense was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

When Nick died, he was 27. And, all he had ever wanted was to be a dad.

Our daughter was 9 months old, asleep and dreaming, when I held my husband as he took his last breath.

All I ever wanted was to be a good wife. And, there I was…26 and a widow.

Weird how things work out sometimes. Weird how sometimes they can seem like they just… don’t.

Life from today’s (or, any given day’s) viewpoint doesn’t always make a lick of sense. But, faith stirs in my heart and somehow I find something that tastes like pure truth. 1. That one day it will work together for good. 2. That all of this messy dark will make sense. 3. That those big promises from the big guy upstairs aren’t just talk. It may be decades from now and I’ve come to accept that it may not be on this side of heaven. But I firmly believe it. Like, in my gut. Deep down. Like when the stars align and you just know that you know that you know: It will all work together for good.

I haven’t always been this way. Full of thankfulness, full of faith. But, I’ve found a few too many stories of mine that seem to make no sense at all, come full circle. And, I’m still pretty young. So, I’ve gotta believe it’s going to happen again. I’ve gotta believe that this is my life (and your life, our lives) if we choose to follow Him.

Say Something

Even when I was a little girl, I always knew I wanted to write. And I read faster than anyone ever believed. Especially my teachers. They would constantly ask: “Are you sure you read that last page?… Ok… Well, what did it say?”

I used to lay awake at night in my teens because I felt like I needed to say something. Like I needed people to hear me. Like I saw things differently and the world, or even just one person out there, needed to know. Like maybe… just maybe, I could help somebody. I felt frustrated at times, for I felt I didn’t know exactly what I should say or who I should say it to. But, I felt born to encourage and I felt underutilized. I wanted to realize my potential and hadn’t.

I’ve practiced my way with words, lingered on the rhythms of sentences, and dreamed up compelling arguments my entire life. As a young(er) adult I wrote about fitness and health, then entrepreneurship, then I started in on marrying young in this day and age (I was 20 when I got married, it was 2008, and it was the best decision of my life), then a few dozen pages on loving your spouse… Back then, I thought I was an expert in all these areas. Now, I claim to know a tiny bit but not near everything (and I definitely don’t use the word “expert” anymore. That’s an icky word. Let’s not use it. None of us are experts of anything if we admit it). Nevertheless, the writing of all of it, of any of it, was ahh-maze-ing.

The dreams God stirred up in me as a young girl, as a (clearly overachieving) teenager, and as a college girl that worked writing into every job she’s ever had… weren’t there for nothing. I think God gave me this mind and these words for a reason. I think I have to tell my story. I think, when I told Nick and my story, that team magnotti helped many who were struggling with similar fights.

And, now, having been through all of this… I think, finally, maybe those dreams I used to dream have tiptoed out into the daylight, to try to become real.

Your Fears Can Only Consume You If You Let Them.

Did you skip over that heading? It’s important. Your fears… those things that keep you up at night… they can only consume you, hinder you, hold you if you give them your permission. You have to let them. You CAN choose not to.

As of late, my world has been filled with fears that have the power to hold me down – under a deep, dark mess of tangled hopes and confused dreams. My fears center around getting my message across pointedly, around building strong foundations in a busted-up-then-mended-up heart, and around being the best mother I can be to a daughter who deserves far more than I could ever give. But, I’ve chosen to follow my God because I DO know that “even if” (even though) it doesn’t make sense now. I know and choose to believe that God has a plan for me, despite the “bad” things that have happened.

I look back on the life I had with Nick and the lessons that I’ve learned, the people he inspired and I see some things that I can’t explain. There are some questions that I truly can’t answer. But, I also see something complete. Something insanely, wildly and delicately beautiful. Something fierce and real. Something that you can feel in your heartbeat, in your breath. Something that meant more than anything else ever has. I see the love and grace and mercy of our Father. I see not the end of a story, but the beginning. The hope: filled, instilled, and spread. ***

And Even If.. It Doesn’t Make Sense

Have faith, dear ones, because I know how scary it can get out there. How we can walk atop the waters… but if we dare to look down, that dark-blue-turns-black can feel way too close.

When this life makes sense, it’s easy to trust God with everything. When it really just doesn’t make sense at all, it can be the greatest challenge and learning curve you will ever face. All I want, in times of awesome… and even in times of utterly-not-awesome… is to be brave. So, I choose to trust. I walk… I fight… And, I write. Choose faith. Choose hope. Choose to see.

What do you think? Share here. Share now. Or… share with those you love. YOU can hold on to hope. I know you can. You got this.

(***Am I saying my husband had to get sick and go to heaven for me to write something that mattered to me? For God to use me? Certainly not!! Am I saying that bad things are God-ordained or part of His plan? NOPE! NO WAY! But, I am saying that He can work the good and the bad together for good. I truly struggled with this concept for the longest time.. I may try to tackle it soon, maybe in a video (good idea?). Its such a tough concept, but such an important one, to understand. The universal, “why do bad things happen?” I think I finally have a general understanding. One that I can live with until I can personally ask Jesus “What up with this ish?”)

Choose Bravely

You have a choice.

Will you fall or will you fly?

Will you choose to live

or will you choose to die?

—

I originally posted this piece on Facebook a few months ago, but I thought it diserved some digging up. I think it belongs on a blog called “Faith Over Fear.” Because that’s exactly what these words are all about.

—

People ask me how I go on? I wonder how exactly we can’t. I guess I’ve always had a choice. After my husband’s cancer diagnosis, the surgeries, the treatments, the miscarriage, the destruction of his body before my very eyes…. I had a choice. I could lay down and let myself, my hopes, die alongside him. Or, I could look for truth, cling to it, and flight to stay alive. I had a choice. You, my friend, have a choice.

We can die along with our shattered dreams, or we can choose to continue to live. I will not blame God for the difficulties in this life, for the haunting things that I’ve experienced, or for the people that I’ve lost. We live in a broken world and that world produces broken stories. But, we also live in a world where death has been CONQUERED. Where broken stories can be REDEEMED. I refuse to give up, I refuse to give in. Is this real life? It sure is and I’m determined to keep breathing.

If you’ve been let down, on a small or big scale, can I challenge you? I challenge you to let yourself believe in another day. Hope for another moment of joy. Create happiness around you by giving generously, raging against the dark, and choosing to look at life with love.

None of the broken things that I’ve experienced have ruined me. I am stronger now. I believe in real joy. I believe in making the most of every day. And, more than ever, I believe in a God who loves me more than I ever realized before. He loves you too. That might seem unbelievable in face of the deep broken dark, but if you really see the story for what it is, you might find the same light and the same truths that I have.

The truth. It rings. It soars. It courses through me. If you think about it, it courses through you too. The truth is in our being. The truth is in our blood. The truth was in His blood. I have much left to learn, but in the meantime, I’ll lean into Him and continue to seek, continue to breathe. In. Out.

You too? With me now?

—

Be your absolute best. Be your bravest self. Live your life. If you are breathing, then you are lucky enough to have one.

Just Shut Up for a Second

I’ve got problems. Lots of em. Maybe not 99… But, who’s counting (other than Jay-Z, apparently)? I’m not going to address all of my problems with you now. No thanks. At least, buy me a cup of coffee first! ;]

Thoughts That Just Won’t Quit

One of the “problems” I encounter daily is a mind full of words, of phrases, of lessons I should have learned or could have learned, of things I’ve done wrong, of things I think I’ve done right. (Confession: Another one of my problems is that I love coffee far too much. Currently, I am attempting a little break from this holy fuel of life. So, some of my obsessive thoughts might be revolving around a white chocolate Americano right now. Just maybe.)

Anyway, back to the main point. Constantly, I am thinking something. Always thinking. Guessing, comparing, reflecting, considering, pondering, day-dreaming (often about coffee… I mean, not really. But kinda.) Everyone has it; this commentary that constantly runs through your mind. But, I think that there is joy found in quieting those thoughts so you can hear from someone else, someone bigger than your problems.

Sometimes when you feel stuck because your mind is running a million laps all by itself, with or without your permission… you have to take your thoughts captive and slow them down so you can sort them out and find time to listen.

Every human being has something that calms their mind and cradles their spirit. For some, it might be sitting by the ocean, or cooking, or painting, or running, or surfing, or reading. For me, it’s definitely writing.

I do not have a problem with a lack of content. I do not struggle with writer’s block. Nope. I have an issue of the opposite nature. Just like all those thoughts would have it… I have far too much I want to share. I have too many topics to choose from.

What You Do Is What Counts

There are so many days, where I wake up, completely determined to write. But so often before I can get my laptop opened, I convince myself that there is no way I will be able to get started. That there is no way to prioritize all. of. the. things. That my mind is moving too fast to get any of it out. How will I pick one topic over another?

So, I tried something new today. Instead of deciding in advance what I would write about, I gathered a little courage and took a little step. I picked up my laptop, grabbed a glass of water, and planted myself on my back porch (not to brag, but the weather out here is amazing). I opened a blank page, got Spotify running, and started typing to the beat.

The result might be something entirely short of amazing, but I have done something. I’ve quieted… my… thoughts. And, maybe I will have reminded you to please quiet yours. Or, if you want more authority; maybe I can dare to remind you to just shut up for a second. Having a hard time remembering the last time your thoughts were still? Are you feeling lost? Feeling stuck?

If so, take a stinkin’ break. Seek your calm place and ask God join you. Not sure you have the energy or motivation to run, or read, or do whatever it is you need to do? Then, just take the first step. Sometimes a little momentum is really all we need. Lace up those shoes or pick up a book. Whatever you do, just make a move.

Move It or Lose It

I’m fully convinced that God moves when we move. I’m fully convinced that faith can and does move mountains. But, we must first decide to speak.

“I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen.” Mark 11:2

I’m making it a priority to quiet my mind daily. Even if only for a few minutes. To get a jump start on all this and gather that momentum, I’ve almost entirely cut out social media. I’m taking three weeks away from that horribly amazing time-suck called Facebook. ;]

I am more than ready to see what God can do for me in those quiet spaces and places that are opening up. How about you? Are you ready to face the quiet? Good. Let’s do this together then.

—

Let me know what helps YOU quiet your thoughts. Tell me what helps you connect to God. Are you struggling to do this each day? Are you willing to make it a priority? How do you think your life might mend?

Oh, and, last question you might want to address…. if you want to help me feel a little less insane. Do YOU ever daydream about coffee?

What Are You Living For?

You were put here for a reason. I believe that, wholly. And I believe that purpose is holy.

I believe that every day that you are here is a day that was created with you in it on purpose.

Some days that can be hard to believe.

But, hold on, dear one. And, know that your purpose isn’t to be discouraged or let down or defeated. You are alive and you ARE victorious.

—

Trying to find your purpose? I think God has made it pretty clear. Whether you believe in the Bible or not, even the Universe points to it. Anything that makes this world a better place is full of love. Love is something (and possibly the only thing) that is worth living for. It’s worth breathing for. It’s worth even the grey-ist of days.

If I give everything I own to the poor… but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I am nothing without love. (1 Corinthians 13:3 MSG)

And, I’m not talking about the kind of love you see on most television shows. Or the kind of love splashed on the front pages of magazines. I am talking about real love.

A love that never gives up. A love that cares more for others than for self. A love that doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. A love that doesn’t strut. A love that doesn’t have an ego, that doesn’t force itself on others. A love that isn’t always “me first” and doesn’t get angry easily. A love that doesn’t keep score. That doesn’t keep track of the sins of others. A love that doesn’t revel when others grovel. A love that takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, sees the best, never looks back but keeps going to the end. A love that never dies. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 MSG) Love is an infinite victory.

We are not called to judge, or to wield our opinions as swords. We were called to come alongside our sisters and brothers, every single one. We were called to show love. Smile at that stranger. Forgive the person that said the wrong thing at the exact wrong time. Offer an encouraging word to the parent trying to wrangle their small child at Target (chances are it’s me, anyhow). Send a note. Give a hug to someone you love.

Meet each and every person with kindness and with overflowing love. For every single person you encounter is facing a challenge that you know nothing about.

Be brave. Live to love.

—

My prayer for purpose:

“Lord, be with me. Help me to emulate light and love as naturally and effortlessly as you do. Amen.”

I’ll Let Go If You Will

Funny isn’t it? How a beginning of one thing requires an end of something else.

How we must open up our hands and let go to be able to grab on to the next thing? It can feel impossibly difficult to let go, especially when you are at the end of your rope. Especially, even more so, if the rope you’ve been holding onto is actually just a thread.

More often than not, these ropes and threads are made of fibers of fear. Our fists are tightened resolutely around what we fear we might lose.

We cling to our jobs, to our image, to our children, our spouses, or our bank accounts. What we want is control. What we want is security. We believe that if we hold something close enough there is no way it could break. But, what we tend to forget is that we aren’t gods. There are things we can’t control. And there are things that if held too tightly, and we aren’t careful, could shatter into a million pieces.

There is a time for everything. And, I think our time has come. To give up control. To let go and let go again. It’s time for you to be who you were made to be. It’s time to be brave. It’s time to open up those hands, drop that thread of security, toss those fears, and throw your empty hands skyward. Lift them and open them up to whatever it is that God wants to give you. Whatever it is He wants to show you.

Is it scary? Heck to the yes. Sometimes it seems like the scariest thing in the entire world. But, there just isn’t another way to do it. Living this life in fear… I promise you… isn’t what we are meant for.

Bravery is woven into our very being. Fear causes flying wings to flutter and falter. We must make the decision to let go of your fears if we truly want to fly.

You… You were meant to jump, friend. You were meant to live by faith.

What if you fall?

Oh, but what if you fly?

Your soul was made to soar.

—

This summer I let go of a few fears myself. I wish I could say that it was easy… that I was a natural. But, I wasn’t. Oye. I had to pry my fingers up one by one. It was painful and it sure wasn’t pretty. Living scared can feel a heck of a lot easier than living free.

Back in May, I was beginning to feel like God was telling me I was ready for a new relationship. And, I was scared out of my mind. Mainly for what people might think. Nick had told me over and over again at different intervals through his two and a half year illness that if he died he would want me to find someone again. Near the end he made sure to tell me again, except he didn’t say if, he said when. Inhale. Exhale. Yeah, that was hard. Overtime he told me, I fought him. I said I couldn’t imagine it. And, I honestly couldn’t.

But, once he was truly gone (and I realized that I was only 26 and not 76 like I had felt), I felt God telling me it was time to really consider being (or trying to be) in a relationship again. I had lost parts of Nick and parts of our relationship over such a long period of time and I had grieved those losses every second of every day for years. The thought of beginning again was scary, especially so soon. I was so fearful of what people might think. (And, that is a blog post in and of itself. The fears that one faces when you know what God is telling you but know that it may not be a “popular” path. Maybe I’ll go over that at some point soon.)

I remember putting Austyn down for a nap and going to my room to pray. My dad was living with me at the time, but he wasn’t home. And, that was definitely a good thing, because I collapsed. I couldn’t even make it to the couch. I fell on my hands and knees and the tears began to flow (that sounds dainty… It was more like pour, rage, cascade, gush…. Gross). The gravity of what I thought God wanted me to do felt too much to bear. How could I go on when I had finally begun to understand that there really was no going back?

I cried out to God and I prayed a big prayer. I asked God to look after whoever He had in mind for me next. I poured out to Him and my heart spoke. I knew that the only relationship that could sustain me at this point would be one that pushed me closer to Him.

So I asked God for that. I told Him that if I was to ever be in another relationship, I wanted one that brought me closer to Him. That made me stronger in Him. That made me more like Love.

Secondary to that, I wanted someone who could truly love me and love my daughter.

“And nothing else matters.” I proceeded to tell God what didn’t matter… Career. Money. Looks. Location. Dog or Cat person (I took that one back… He has to be a dog person… Just kidding).

After some time on that floor, I finally felt like I could pick myself back up. From there, I knew that God had it in His hands. I felt complete peace that He had a plan. And I didn’t know if I would meet this guy soon or in a few decades but I knew, as Nick had known and even shared with our pastor, that God had someone else in mind for me.

Fast forward a week or so. Life had gone on as normal, which included about a million diaper changes (tad exaggeration) and many wonderful moments spent staring into my sweet daughter’s eyes (when she would sit still long enough that is).

I had decided to create an account on a Christian dating site. And, let me tell you creating that profile was scaarrre-ey. Some of the emails that followed were downright horrifying (I kid… sort of). After just a few days, I was about ready to delete the whole thing when a message caught my eye.

There is so much I could tell you from there… About all of the things that God did to even get me to give this guy my number, let alone my real name. He lived in Florida so a quick coffee date wouldn’t work but we were able to get to know each other through email and, eventually, long phone calls. Then, he came up to Seattle for a week. We hung out and he was exactly who I thought he was. A strong man of God that had been through a lot, like me (well, not the man part).

This summer, I had the opportunity to take an extended vacation. I had been thinking about Southern California, but decided to change my plans. Instead, I went to Pensacola, Florida unsure of what would transpire. The month was lovely. I spent time and made time. And then spent it again.

And a good portion of that time was spent in the company of my new friend. As we grew closer, I knew that God had some kind of plan and, though I was so tempted to run in the other direction, I held on.

After much prayer on both of our ends, we became official (I felt like I was in high school again… I have a “boyfriend”… It felt like it had been ages) in August. And, before I left for Seattle, we began praying about our next steps. Neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship and we didn’t think God necessarily wanted it for us either. But, we were on literal opposite ends of the country. How in the world would we make this work?

It would be hard to write out what transpired in those last few weeks. But, God made it clear in our hearts that we were supposed to be in Florida. He started with me. And I tried so hard to ignore it; to pretend I didn’t hear or feel His prompts. But, eventually I gave in and admitted it. It felt like making that leap (or many leaps, across the stinking country!) was God’s best option for me.

—

Now, let’s take a detour for a second here. It’s not that I believe that God wouldn’t have blessed me had I decided not to move. God works in mysterious ways, that is for sure. And we definitely have a choice. We can follow what we believe is God’s voice or we can turn away. We can attempt to listen, or we can listen to the world. It’s really up to us and was up to me, but I felt like God’s best (read: best, not only) option for me was to make this move. Ok, back to the story.

—

Instead of holding onto my fears and refusing to believe He could be asking for such a thing, I decided to take a step. And, as soon as I made the decision to trust, I was given peace again.

When I told my family and my closest friends what was on my heart, they confirmed what I was feeling. That scared little voice inside me (you guys have one too, right, that’s not just me?) was actually hoping that at least one of them would think I was crazy. That at least one of them would beg for me to change my mind. But, honestly, they showed care, asked the right questions, said they would miss me like crazy but supported me through and through. I really do have the best friends in the entire world. (Why do they have to be so awesome?! I miss my Washington mountains, dangit!)

So…

I sold my home.

I sold about a third of my furniture.

And, I signed a lease. (And, God worked crazy miracles – yes, plural – into each one of those events. Oh how I wish I could tell you fast enough!)

There you have it. I’m now living in an itsy-bisty Florida town on the Gulf of Mexico so that I can be closer to the one I love. So that we don’t have to be long distance. So, we can see what this is all made of. I took the leap.

Let’s fast forward again (because, let’s face it, I’m long-winded… I start a short storytelling bootcamp next week – psych!).

This move has taught me so many new things. It’s challenged me in ways I never imagined. It’s required bravery on days when I was sure I had none left. Though I can’t say that I know what God is doing or if this is a final destination, I can say that this adventure has brought me so much closer to God. And, if we remember from my uber blubbery prayer sesh on the floor back in May, that is exactly what I wanted.

And, my new relationship? It’s certainly pushed God and I closer still. It’s helped me see myself clearer than I have in a long time. I have an absolutely amazing man in my life. His heart is humble but brave, strong but loving, determined but gentle. He is certainly committed to a life filled with God, committed to me and committed to my little girl. This was my second request. I’m enjoying that for now.

—

So, here I am in a new city (on what feels like a different planet). Trying to be brave and aiming with all my might for hope. Working through a new, amazing (and different) love. I’ve got a beautiful daughter with a fighter’s heart. And, I’ve got a God on my side who I know will always have my back… I truly am blessed.

Unfortunately, I still can’t see the future (I know… shocker, right?!). I still want to clamp my fists so tightly around what I know. I’m often tempted to run headlong to my fears, grab on tight, and let all the things that could go wrong take over. Sometimes I long for the old, the remembered, the comfortable. But, then I remember something that someone very special to me used to say all the time… We aren’t to worry because “God’s got it.” (That would be my dear sweet late-hubby’s wonderful quote).

Whatever you are facing, whatever challenges, whatever fears keep you up at night… Maybe you can try, like me, to choose faith over fear. To cast aside your worry. To lift those wings, weightless, with nothing to tie you down. After all, that’s what you were made for.

Being brave is a choice. Choosing hope is courageous. I’ll let go if you will. …You first! ;]

Love, A

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PS: Stay tuned for more posts and videos coming soon! If you haven’t yet, follow me on Instragram and my other social media profiles to be updated of new happenings. The links are the beautiful blue icons to your left… No, your other left… ;]

PSS: I built this site on my own, but I had some major awesome help from two very awesome people (who both actually worked on the TeamMagnotti project with me too)!

BIG HUGE THANKS go out to Kyle Chicoine for his amazing logo design. He took my concepts and sketches and turned them into a little bit of delicious digital eye-candy. The logo is so perfect and cute, I could wrap it up and sing it a lullaby!

ANOTHER HUGE THANK YOU goes out to to my friend Jordan for his mastery of web design and superb coding knowledge. Without him, my site logo would probably still be in a very obscure and unflattering locale. Thank you, friend!

Here Goes Nothing

Well, it’s been quite some time since I built a website of my own. About five years in fact. Sheesh! That makes me feel old.

First post…? Well, let me tell you a little bit about what I’m doing. I’m beginning again. Three and a half years ago, I created teammagnotti.org with the help of some amazing individuals and while I’ll be keeping the site up and running for anyone who happens to come across it, faithoverfear.co will be my new blogging home.

So, here goes nothing. Attempt to build in progress. Please be patient with me as this site is currently under construction.

Until next time, be brave.

Love, A