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I felt alone in my last miscarriage.

Because I didn’t really tell anyone until it was all over.

The doctor said it happened to 25% of all pregnancies. Then how come I didn’t know many who had faced it?!

It felt like it had happened to NOBODY but me. COMPLETE ISOLATION.

But, after I finally opened up to people about it, I discovered so many other families had gone through this too.

So, this time, I’m not gonna hide. I’m gonna share where I’m at. Not necessarily so that *I* don’t feel alone but so others can see that they aren’t either.

People see my happy posts and sometimes I get messages of people saying they wish they had my life. Cracks me up. I’ve got sucky things in my life always, too. Believe me. Many, in fact. I just normally focus on the good. But right now, I’m gonna share a BAD that I’m in the middle of.

Right now: my worst thing?

I’m having a miscarriage.

I’ve lost one baby before. Nick (my first and late husband) and I had a miscarriage and it was horrible. Now, with my second hubby Jay, just four months into our marriage, we’ve lost one too and it hurts just as much.

My heart is in an entirely different place this time though.

Not because God’s taken everything from me… again. But, because He is everything TO me.

I’m not quite as confused. Not because I understand WHY things like this happen. (I don’t!!) But, because I KNOW that He has a plan and that it is better than mine.

I’m sad, disappointed, heartbroken but still JOYFUL. How can that be? I think happiness is a feeling but JOY is a state of mind. And, for me… these last few years, since I really found HIM, I’ve honestly found that my JOY won’t ever be shaken. No matter what I face. My joy can’t be twisted or buried or drowned.

Because it’s anchored in a foundation that’s indestructible.

I know He hears me.
I know He sees me.
I know His plans are for me.
I trust HIS plan and HIS timing more than I trust my own feelings and guesses at what might be best.

I’ve lost two babies.
I’ve lost my first husband.
But, I will NEVER lose my joy.

This is my second miscarriage. And it hurts as much as the first.

But, my heart is in an entirely different place this time. It’s almost like it’s been made new. In fact, it kind of has. Sure, it’s been broken, but it’s been broken a few times before. And every time it breaks, it comes back together, the cracks remain but they’re healed. Like scars that have allowed openness, stretching and growth.

Every time my heart breaks, I choose to open it up again.

Not because He’s taken everything from me.

But because He IS everything to me. 💓

Published by

Alyssa

Proud mom, blogger, and coffee consumer

4 thoughts on “”

  1. God is the key. I lost my parents, my father-in-law and my husband within a short number of years. I was a primary caregiver for my parents and the primary caregiver for my husband. My parents and husband all died of cancer. It was a very challenging number of years. What I experienced because of God’s loving care was incredible. It is indeed defiant joy. You express that too. Of course, I raise my hands and heart in solidarity and say “You go girl!” Peace.

  2. What an amazing woman of God you are to share such a heart wrenching story while still glorifying our Lord! I can not image your sorrow… but in my own circumstances, I know that trust and faith in Him is what keeps us sane. Blessings and prayers to you! Thank you for having the courage to share your story!

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