Month: March 2015

It’s Okay If You’re Not Okay

All in all, it’s beautiful

Sometimes you feel alone.

Sometimes you’re surrounded by friends.

At times your smile is brightest.

At times you wish you were dead.

Sometimes your heart skips a beat.

Sometimes you wonder where it went.

At times you hold the one you lost.

Until you realize what you thought was lost…

was actually only sent.

BAD THINGS AND BIG DREAMS

To share in these things… these bad things… These big dreams. These nightmares. These laughs. These screams… {{This}} is what it is to live. YOU are not alone. I am NOT alone. WE are all in this together. We ALL have those days… and THOSE days. This life is hard. This world can be so lonely. But, if you reach out… If you reach up…. You’ll find it really isn’t. We are all in this together.

We spend too much of our lives setting up expectations. Deciding what life should or shouldn’t be. This is where we are wrong.

For awhile, after I lost my baby to miscarriage… and awhile later, after I lost my husband to cancer…. I asked “Why?” …. “Why ME?”

But, now I see it for what it is. Why NOT me? Why not YOU? Why not us? We live in a reality where death is unfortunately an absolute and complete certainty. Everything in this world is decaying. Everything and everyone. Life is created on this planet and, in the same instant, thus starts the process of decay. I don’t think we were made for this. I don’t think this is our natural state, but I do know that we have to do with what we have and that we are in this.

It’s Okay if you aren’t okay

We haven’t been taught how to deal with pain. No matter what your pain is from, death, betrayal, denial, disappointment, or rejection, many of us try to deny it. Your pain is real and yet we all work so hard to hide it.

We post our smiles and our parties… We filter every picture and present a clean exterior as best we know how. Yes, let’s focus on the good days. Yes, let’s focus on the sunshine. But, please don’t turn your head to those who need you most. To those who are forced to live under a gloomy cloud today. It’s not all about finding peace, or even happiness on this side of heaven, it’s about LIVING as best we can. And LIVING sometimes means hurting.

But, beautiful things can be born of even the darkest days. Broken dark can allow for light to break through. When you feel it, let it shine. Let your guard down.

Be happy.

Or, be sad.

But, whatever you are… Be it, genuinely.

Everyone has a story. And… NO ONE ELSE can play your part. <3

At Least I Am Moving

I want to change. I want to:

Slow down.
Be a better listener.
Be less concerned about others’ opinions and more concerned about God’s.
Have more fun.
Be a blessing.

I know I could do so many things better. So many things. I could be such a better person. When I pay attention to my thoughts… I can hear it. I can hear the person that I don’t want to be. The one that worries constantly, that judges others, that blames herself most of all. But, most of the time, I’m not paying attention to my thoughts. I’m just letting them run. Im just being “me.” Im just being my “normal” self. The self that I’ve become in twenty-seven years of living and sacrificing and striving and wanting.

As much as self-reflection hurts, as much as it stings… It’s necessary in this journey if we want to be better. It would be SO much easier for me to say, “Well, this is just who I am. I can be selfish, I can be jealous, I can be petty, and I can be stiff. I guess you all just have to deal with it.” But, I CAN also change.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s too late. I’m in my late-twenties (too funny! I totally just typed “mid-twenties” and realized that almost-twenty-eight is pretty far past that. Nice try, darlin!) and my life has shaped me. The culture I’ve grown up in, the parents I had, the situations I’ve faced, the deaths that I’ve seen, the books that I’ve read, the propaganda that flashes before my eyes, the truths I’ve experienced, the lies that I’ve trusted, the way my thoughts have twisted realities… the list goes on and on.

It’s true to a degree that no one can deny… that we are shaped by our circumstances. Not entirely, no. But, at least markedly. Growing up in the Seattle is different than growing up in Taiwan. Growing up in a nice house in a good neighborhood is different than growing up in a mobile home park governed by drug lords. Growing up with parents who cared and tried their best is different than growing up with parents who remained painfully disinterested.

We all have things that mark us. We all have things that scare us. Things that scar us.

Our choice is how much we heal. Our choice is what we do about it. Our choice is looking past what we “know.”

step it up

We can decide to unlearn the things our heart has grasped onto.

You CAN be loved again.

You CAN be happy.

You CAN succeed.

You CAN trust in the goodness of God, even when you are standing in the broken mess of your life.

So, you haven’t made it as far as you would like by now? Yeah. Me neither. You feel older than you’d like? You feel like you haven’t made a difference? You feel like time is passing too quickly and your soul isn’t catching up? I feel those things too.

But, no matter what you see, what you feel. If you try and believe it will work, you WILL make progress. I believe it.

Big changes can be so entirely overwhelming. How can I alter my fast-pace to a life lived in slow, trusting, seeing peace? How can I go from loud to quiet so others can have a voice? How can I stop caring what the world may think and start caring more about God? How can I have fun when I know the accidents that can occur when we let down our guard? How can I change from living every hour for myself to living every hour as a blessing to others?

You might have different things that you know you could improve on. Maybe you want to be a better person and to do that you know that changes must be made: to your health or your relationships or your thoughts.

Feel overwhelmed? Like the drastic end result that you are trying to achieve is just too far away, too far off from the person you are today? Just remember that God will help you if you ask. We can’t sit back and not make changes and expect God to do all the work, but we CAN do the work with God by our side. All it takes is a prayer and a single step. Every. Step. Counts.

Even if you take only one step forward and end up falling two steps back… at least you are moving. 

I know what I want. And if it takes me a lifetime of trying… only to eventually fail, at least I’ll know that I tried. One baby step at a time. Focused on the God who tells me I can walk on water. I can trod on my mistakes. I can step on the lessons I’ve learned and use them to propel me ever-forward.

I believe in a God who is constant in His ability to love us…. His love molds me, teaches me, shows me.

I don’t HAVE to be better for Him. He loves me already. I don’t HAVE to do anything, but I want to.

I want to be more like the person I was made to be. I want to be changed by Him from the inside out. So, I pray for Him. I pray for more of His presense. More of His peace. And, then… I walk.

One step.

Two steps.

Three shaky steps.

I am on my way! I’m in motion. Let’s hope our momentum propels us forward. Wish me luck!

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I share these thoughts not for me, but for you. I shared this post in my personal journal and decided then that it might be something to help another. Did it help you? Any thoughts? Please share this post as much as you’d like. Let’s move together. There’s no use in going it alone.