Alyssa & Austyn

When It Doesn’t Make Sense

The stars aligned when I met Nick. I tell ya. If anything has ever aligned… those stars did. Like, perfectly. Everything. Made. Perfect. Sense.

Three years later, my universe spun out of control when my own personal piece of perfect sense was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

When Nick died, he was 27. And, all he had ever wanted was to be a dad.

Our daughter was 9 months old, asleep and dreaming, when I held my husband as he took his last breath.

All I ever wanted was to be a good wife. And, there I was…26 and a widow.

Weird how things work out sometimes. Weird how sometimes they can seem like they just… don’t.

Life from today’s (or, any given day’s) viewpoint doesn’t always make a lick of sense. But, faith stirs in my heart and somehow I find something that tastes like pure truth. 1. That one day it will work together for good. 2. That all of this messy dark will make sense. 3. That those big promises from the big guy upstairs aren’t just talk. It may be decades from now and I’ve come to accept that it may not be on this side of heaven. But I firmly believe it. Like, in my gut. Deep down. Like when the stars align and you just know that you know that you know: It will all work together for good.

I haven’t always been this way. Full of thankfulness, full of faith. But, I’ve found a few too many stories of mine that seem to make no sense at all, come full circle. And, I’m still pretty young. So, I’ve gotta believe it’s going to happen again. I’ve gotta believe that this is my life (and your life, our lives) if we choose to follow Him.

Say Something

Even when I was a little girl, I always knew I wanted to write. And I read faster than anyone ever believed. Especially my teachers. They would constantly ask: “Are you sure you read that last page?… Ok… Well, what did it say?”

I used to lay awake at night in my teens because I felt like I needed to say something. Like I needed people to hear me. Like I saw things differently and the world, or even just one person out there, needed to know. Like maybe… just maybe, I could help somebody. I felt frustrated at times, for I felt I didn’t know exactly what I should say or who I should say it to. But, I felt born to encourage and I felt underutilized. I wanted to realize my potential and hadn’t.

I’ve practiced my way with words, lingered on the rhythms of sentences, and dreamed up compelling arguments my entire life. As a young(er) adult I wrote about fitness and health, then entrepreneurship, then I started in on marrying young in this day and age (I was 20 when I got married, it was 2008, and it was the best decision of my life), then a few dozen pages on loving your spouse… Back then, I thought I was an expert in all these areas. Now, I claim to know a tiny bit but not near everything (and I definitely don’t use the word “expert” anymore. That’s an icky word. Let’s not use it. None of us are experts of anything if we admit it). Nevertheless, the writing of all of it, of any of it, was ahh-maze-ing.

The dreams God stirred up in me as a young girl, as a (clearly overachieving) teenager, and as a college girl that worked writing into every job she’s ever had… weren’t there for nothing. I think God gave me this mind and these words for a reason. I think I have to tell my story. I think, when I told Nick and my story, that team magnotti helped many who were struggling with similar fights.

And, now, having been through all of this… I think, finally, maybe those dreams I used to dream have tiptoed out into the daylight, to try to become real.

Your Fears Can Only Consume You If You Let Them.

Did you skip over that heading? It’s important. Your fears… those things that keep you up at night… they can only consume you, hinder you, hold you if you give them your permission. You have to let them. You CAN choose not to.

As of late, my world has been filled with fears that have the power to hold me down – under a deep, dark mess of tangled hopes and confused dreams. My fears center around getting my message across pointedly, around building strong foundations in a busted-up-then-mended-up heart, and around being the best mother I can be to a daughter who deserves far more than I could ever give. But, I’ve chosen to follow my God because I DO know that “even if” (even though) it doesn’t make sense now. I know and choose to believe that God has a plan for me, despite the “bad” things that have happened.

I look back on the life I had with Nick and the lessons that I’ve learned, the people he inspired and I see some things that I can’t explain. There are some questions that I truly can’t answer. But, I also see something complete. Something insanely, wildly and delicately beautiful. Something fierce and real. Something that you can feel in your heartbeat, in your breath. Something that meant more than anything else ever has. I see the love and grace and mercy of our Father. I see not the end of a story, but the beginning. The hope: filled, instilled, and spread. ***

And Even If.. It Doesn’t Make Sense

Have faith, dear ones, because I know how scary it can get out there. How we can walk atop the waters… but if we dare to look down, that dark-blue-turns-black can feel way too close.

When this life makes sense, it’s easy to trust God with everything. When it really just doesn’t make sense at all, it can be the greatest challenge and learning curve you will ever face. All I want, in times of awesome… and even in times of utterly-not-awesome… is to be brave. So, I choose to trust. I walk… I fight… And, I write. Choose faith. Choose hope. Choose to see.

What do you think? Share here. Share now. Or… share with those you love. YOU can hold on to hope. I know you can. You got this.

(***Am I saying my husband had to get sick and go to heaven for me to write something that mattered to me? For God to use me? Certainly not!! Am I saying that bad things are God-ordained or part of His plan? NOPE! NO WAY! But, I am saying that He can work the good and the bad together for good. I truly struggled with this concept for the longest time.. I may try to tackle it soon, maybe in a video (good idea?). Its such a tough concept, but such an important one, to understand. The universal, “why do bad things happen?” I think I finally have a general understanding. One that I can live with until I can personally ask Jesus “What up with this ish?”)

 

Published by

Alyssa

Proud mom, blogger, and coffee consumer

28 thoughts on “When It Doesn’t Make Sense”

  1. Alyssa I’ve been following your story and posts since I came across Nick’s video on YouTube.

    You’re an inspiration and this post of yours just brought tears in my eyes because right now I’m fighting my fears.

    I hope one day I can connect with you. I’ve tried a couple of times through Facebook but not sure if you receive them as we are not ‘friends’

    I hope to hear from you and I send blessings your way

    1. Alejandra – Thank you so much! I really appreciate it! Would love to connect with you! Please send me an email at alyssa (dot) magnotti (at) gmail (dot) com and I will get back to you as soon as I can! God bless you!

  2. Creo que sos una guerrera, te admiro, te tengo mucho respeto y una profunda estima. Deseo de todo corazón que Dios desate gozo y amor por el resto de tu vida!! Y Love!!

    1. (Translation: Fernanda: I think you’re a warrior , I admire you , I have much respect and profound esteem . I sincerely hope that God releases joy and love for the rest of your life !! And Love !!)

      Fernanda! Thank you so much for your amazing words of encouragement. Sending love to you! God bless you! (Translation: Alyssa: Fernanda ! Muchas gracias por sus sorprendentes palabras de aliento. Envío de amor para usted! Salud!)

  3. You are a gifted writer, and I’m glad you’re using your talent in this beautiful way, to encourage and share the love of God. I was pulled into your story from your first post. I’m sorry about what you’ve gone through. I’m learning about trusting God right now too. It seems, as soon as you talk about trust, that big question about why God lets bad things happen comes up. I have a lot to learn still, and I look forward to continuing to read what you write here.

    1. Thank you so much for your words, Dawn! Ill be posting a video (hopefully soon) about Why God Lets Bad Things Happen. I hope that it will help some people and I hope it will help you. Stay strong. God bless YOU!

  4. Wow! Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing from the heart. God is definitely using your words and wisdom. You will be in my prayers.

  5. Well my sweet young friend, you’ve gone and done it again. From God to you to me. A life well lived, and dedicated no matter the span of time, lives on in the legacy he/she leaves behind.

    I know your words to be true because they happened to me. It’s the only explanation that I have for moving bravely forward into the world. By the grace of God, go I.

    You are a remarkable woman, Alyssa. Your faith and witness are so intense that I feel them thousands of miles away. I have that same deep, knowing trust but can’t articulate that like you do. I am proud to know you and follow you. I am delighted that I can be a part of your journey and continue to learn from you.

    I’m grateful that God gave you this gift of writing so that you can tell your story. You stayed true all of these years to your thoughts as a teenager – you wanted to write and have it leave an impact on someone. I have no doubt that you are impacting thousands and I am one of them.

    1. Thank you so much, Therese. I so appreciate you. Our situations are all too similar. But, I know you “get” it too. I know Keith is so very proud of you and I can only imagine at the friendship that he and Nick have developed by now. God bless you, sweet lady!

  6. Your honesty and talent is tremendous. Thank you for refining, shaping, and sharing your discoveries. You are such a brave and special light.

  7. I write you from Córdoba, Spain. You are an example for me and I follow you since I saw the video of your brave husband. Thank you very much for helping me. I have a lot of fears and I can not sleep many nights but He is always next to me, I feel him. In fact I am writing this in one of those moments, and He took me to your post…. I think God send this challenges to the strong ones. I am not one of them…

    Enjoy your beautiful baby, he reminds me to him, and I am sure he is inside him taking care of you. I have just been dad of a pretty baby called Edith. She is my life now. You know what I mean.

    God be with you.

    P.d.- Excuse me for my english.

    1. Oh, Javi! Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I so appreciate your words. It can be so hard to stop the worries, especially at night. Praying God’s peace over you!

  8. Very encouraging!
    Truly, nothing can separate us from the love of Christ! Even the most painful experience we’ve had He can use it for His purpose! His thoughts are higher than ours so we need only to trust; and that the One who promised is faithful and just to carry out His great plans.
    You have been very wonderful in sharing your journey with Jesus! Blessings to you and to your sweet lovely daughter!

  9. Thank you for your thoughts, you pop into my mind periodically and just a few weeks back I asked my daughter Jamie about you. I think because you ate all in the same age group with children it makes me realize how
    Precious life is… Your daughter looks just like Nick and she will be so blessed to hear
    About her dad as she goes through her life with you! God Bless you both and continue to pour pit your heart on paper.

  10. You are so right! God uses every situation for His glory. He is using you and will continue to… You write so beautifully. Being brave is harder than one might think but with God all things are possible! I’m so proud if you and how you choose to encourage others instead of staying in a dark place. Your daughter will one day look back at all of this and grow stringer in her faith because of your amazing example. Continuing to pray for you and your baby girl. Excited for both your future. Keep writing… We are all going through this with you. May the Lord bless you and keep you in His loving arms until the day you can see His face are day are reunited with Nick.

    1. Thanks so much Christina! And, thanks for following along. Oh, how I can’t wait for that day… We will get to see all our loved ones! I lost a baby and my sweet dog these past two years too… My oh my… I’ve got quite a list of people I can’t wait to see!

    1. Thanks Peter. The One in whom I have faith… He doesn’t always make sense, but I aim to let Him be God. Something I am so far away from. So, why must I expect to understand? That’s part of how I think of it anyway. Hope you and M and the boys are doing well! God bless you, as always!

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