Father to the Hopeless

Fatherless and Unfathomable

Tortured. 

When Nick first passed and I had to fill in paperwork for doctors visits or emergency contacts or school registrations, it felt like torture. I would see the space where I was supposed to write my husband’s name, where I was supposed to put my daughter’s father’s info, and feel a hot rush of anger. I’d fight back tears and ball my fists. How can he be GONE?

Numb.

Then, I kind of got used to it. Or, something. Numb to it, really. I would see the blank space and a jolt of “this is just plain wrong” would shoot through my heart. But, I’d move on quickly. It’s fine. I know I can do it alone. I wasn’t going to let myself wallow over the absurdity or the unfairness of my situation. It was just how it was. Single mom. “I’m fine.”

For example: When one of Austyn’s teachers in Florida suggested I “put another contact down for emergencies. Her father, maybe?” My response was flat. “He died.” I’m sure I came across rather blunt. Possibly morbid. I didn’t mean to. It had simply become a fact of my life. I have blue eyes, brown hair, and I’m a widow. Normal. Totes.

Only recently have I realized just how much I had buried my feelings of loss. Not so much the feelings of loss for ME, but the feeling of a completely devastating loss for HER. My daughter, who deserves more than I will ever be able to offer her, whom I love so desperately much. I felt a loss too, for her… A longing and desperation to give her the experience of having an earthly father, protector, influence.

Sitting across the desk from a medical provider last week, I completely missed a full sentence when I accidentally caught a glance of a particular paper as she went through one of Austyn’s files.

Scrawled hastily into the box that’s supposed to list her father’s name was a quick note. “Deceased.”

The familiar jolt came. And, then so many feelings I hadn’t expected instead of the usual numbness. Sadness, heck yes. But happiness too! Soon, she will have a daddy on earth to fill that space in her life (and on her medical forms).

Father to the Hopeless
Daddy Jay and Austyn, Summer 2015

Grief is a strange beast. Not easily figured out. As I reflect on my own journey, I see some places where I’ve suppressed and I’m sure I’ll find more as time goes on. To think that, just this week, I’ve started experiencing new emotions. Two years and a month later.

So, my big point in this blog post? That grief is funny sometimes. That our brains do miraculous things for us when we are faced with tragedy. That God has a plan all along. And, dang girl, if you are raising your little miss or mr on your own, I’ve been where you are and the road ain’t easy but God will handle it and He will give you the tools you need to succeed. 

God is coming full circle. He won’t leave any of us hanging on with too much to hold and not enough. He will always give enough. (Or help us forget just enough, for the time being.)

Friends… Keep on keeping on! You guys amaze me. I love hearing your stories and seeing your comments. You guys bring me JOY and I know you bring your creator even MORE. Do you. Be Brave. Follow HIM. Live well. Until next time… xo

Published by

Alyssa

Proud mom, blogger, and coffee consumer

9 thoughts on “Fatherless and Unfathomable”

    1. Therese! You are such a dedicated friend and I sincerely appreciate your comments. You, sister, know where I’ve been too… Love you. And, yes, we never know when.

      1. being a widow is not normal…sister:)) is a fact of your life thats true. but in my opinion living with grief ,,some time is supernatural and necessary.losing a parent is NEVER normal:)

        1. I agree. Not normal. Just felt normal at the time. And, I was sort of employing sarcasm. ;] Not that it’s funny. But, you know. Helps lighten reality’s burden. Yes, living with grief is sometimes, unfortunately, necessary. Thanks for the comment, Maggie, and thanks for the support and reading along!

  1. When I read your blogs they always bring tears to my eyes. You can describe my exact feelings, loss for my children. They deserve a father.
    No one can understand that kind of loss unless it has happened to them.
    You give me hope that our future will be everything we need. Thank you 💜

    1. It sure will, Becky. Promise. And, though I didn’t talk about it much in this post. I REALLY believe God can be as much of a father as any child could EVER need… Though, we would obviously WANT and PREFER they have an earthly father as well. I’m praying for you, dear sister. And your littles. God is good. All the time. He has a plan for your future. It’s not always easy to believe… But it’s always worth it.

  2. Hola hermanitAa<3 Has pensado alguna vez en crear un blog en donde puedas poner posts de lo importante que es la pureza sexual y espiritual en la vida del hombre??un pequeno libro de consultas:) online para todos los que esten esperando su boda..,para que sepan que el amor verdadero no necesita ser "consumado" antes del matrimonio ……para fomentar buenos valores en tus jovenes lectores???besitos!!!!!!!!!!!1

    1. Hey Ana!! Thats a good idea to be sure! I am always happy to talk about it. It hasn’t been my focus, as of yet, but I am sure I will get around to a few blog posts or more. :] Thanks for the idea. For those who don’t read Spanish, Google translated this to: Hello hermanita <3 Have you ever thought about creating a blog where you can put posts of the importance of sexual and spiritual purity in the life of a small man ?? :) online sourcebook for all who are waiting for their wedding .. so they know that true love need not be " finished" before marriage ...... to promote good values ​​in your young readers ??? kisses !!!!!!!!!!!

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