God’s Plan Is Never Finished; I’m Engaged!

Wow… You guys… Where do I begin? What do I say? How can I convey to you ALL of these FEELINGS when I can barely identify them myself? Well, I’ll try…

How Did Jay and I Meet?

Jay and I have technically known each other for 8 years. If you haven’t read it elsewhere before… He was one of Nick’s best friends back when I met Nick all those lifetimes ago. Jay and Nick had owned a small business together in college and hung out a lot at work events and at various “guy nights.”

I remember telling Nick when we were dating that I wasn’t too sure about his friend, Jay. I suggested that maybe he might not be the best influence for Nick’s life. But, Nick would go to bat for him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

“Jay is one of the truest friends I have.”

“Jay is one of the nicest guys I have ever known.”

“Jay is loyal and trustworthy. I won’t ever give him up.”

Jay and I didn’t hang out much because, well, I wasn’t so sure about him. But, Nick hung out with Jay whenever they could make it work. And, Nick ended up choosing Jay as one of his groomsmen in our wedding.

From that point forward, I only ended up seeing Jay a couple of times, though I heard about him and his life often, through Nick.

Fast forward to 3 years ago, when Nick got insanely sick and received his diagnosis of a horrible cancer recurrence. We had just gotten the horrible news and were trying to process all that was happening when Nick got a phone call that contained some very good news! Nick couldn’t wait to share it with me.

“Alyssa, you’ll never guess! You know Jay? He just got saved! He accepted Christ!” Nick’s smile was wide as ever. His eyes glistened with tears.

We high-fived each other and said a prayer of blessing over Jay and his commitment to Jesus. I was truly happy to hear that Nick’s friend’s life was moving in the right direction.

Where “We” Began

So… How did this all begin with Jay and I? Well, I hadn’t seen Jay since Nick’s Celebration of Life in January of 2013. But, this summer, I had asked Jay if we could meet up to discuss local churches. I had recently returned from Florida and was looking for a new church home and was stalking my community for any helpful input anyone might have. I reached out to multiple people in my network over the course of a month or so, looking for the perfect new place to call my church home. It just so happened, that I saw a post from Jay about his church and wanted to know more.

When we met for coffee, we unexpectedly hit it off as friends. We had never said much more than “Hey, how are you?” in the years before, but conversation came so easily this time and we decided that we should get together again soon. This started a great friendship. And, it took me only a little while, but I started to see some of the things in Jay that Nick had seen years ago. And, I began to see other desirable things in him too. His life was on the right track. He had made incredible changes to his life. He was motivated. He was insanely generous (a characteristic that reminds me so very much of Nick). And, much more attractive than I had remembered or ever noticed. (Blush!)

It took some clearing up for Jay of what Nick wanted, of what God says about all of this, and of how I felt about love after Nick. But, eventually, Jay saw me in a new light too. And, our friendship began to develop into something deeper.

Do You Like Me? (Check Yes or No.)

So… On July 14th, Jay brought flowers and, cute as ever, asked me to be his girlfriend. He had come prepared with a list of reasons he thought he would be the best man for me. Ten items were on his list and they were as precious as can be. He included being a good father figure for Austyn as long as we wanted him, leading me ever closer to God, putting our relationship above all others, and other absolutely honorable and perfect things. I said yes (under two conditions: 1. Absolutely No Clown Pranks. (I hate clowns.) And, 2. New Boyfriend Must Kill All Spiders. No exceptions.).

The rest honestly, already feels like history. (He’s kept both of my conditions thus far as well as all of his beautiful promises to me.) We’ve had an amazing 5 months! I know… that seems so fast, huh? But, I guess I’m just the type… When you know, you know, you know?! (Nick and I got engaged back in the day after just 6 months. And, yeah, that was one of the very best decisions of my whole life! DUH. )

Jay and I have spent these last five months doing so very much: learning how we might fit as a family, how we fight, how we love, how to listen, how to hold each other’s hearts and hurts, we’ve traveled locally and internationally, we’ve spent days on end together, met and spent time with each other’s families (including Nick’s family who will forever remain mine), celebrated both of our birthdays, taught Austyn to pee in the toilet (and celebrated accordingly — this was a HUGE deal so potty dances are now a “thing” in my house), and lived the monotonous as well as the adventurous.

He Popped the Question! 

I know, I know… you want to know about the engagement!! Well, here it is!

Last night was our official 5 month anniversary. December 14th. Jay had planned a “surprise date night” and I had a guess that a sparkly thing might be on its way, but quickly the thought was dismissed. (We had discussed marriage and so many things related, but I try hard these days not to get my hopes up too high. I’d rather be surprised than disappointed, you know?)

When Jay showed up at my house to pick me up for our date night, he handed me a beautiful bouquet of 18 red roses. GOORRRgeous! We gave our hugs and said our goodbyes to Austyn and my dad (who was over to babysit Austyn for me) and made our way to the car.

Jay opened the door for me as we walked out of the house and ran ahead to get the car door as well. (This is a normal occurrence… He is so good at that!) My sweet guy! We showed up at the Bellevue park and I knew what we were doing for sure… Finally! Ice skating! I’d been wanting to go again for years and had mentioned it before to Jay. “This is gonna be so fun!” I thought. It was the cutest little rink set up right in the pond in downtown Bellevue park. We had hot cocoa to warm up first and then got our skates on and slipped out onto the ice (not so gracefully, BUT we didn’t fall!). As expected, we had so much fun! There were about a hundred people there but we had a blast anyway and we were even able to pull off a couple spins!!

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I was starving so we left right after skating and headed across the park to a “mystery” restaurant. (He wouldn’t tell me where.) We walked and talked (at first about Austyn’s latest poopy accident LOL) and then about the last five months and all the wonderful things that have been happening. We slowly made our way up the steps at the North end of the park, hand in hand. It was cold and we could see our breath but luckily, we both had good jackets on. Once at the top of the stairs, I noticed a man playing Christmas music softly on a guitar behind one of the light posts facing the park but couldn’t see his face. It was beautiful and I commented on the fact. “What a perfect night!”

I was honestly still completely clueless. Suddenly, Jay stopped me. We were standing under a tree and Jay pointed up. “Oh, look! Mistletoe!”

I didn’t hesitate or want to miss the chance, so I kissed him immediately. (Duh! He’s so stinking cute and I love him so much! Any chance to kiss and I’m in! 100%!) When I pulled away, I finally started to put two and two together realizing that the smooth Christmas performance and mistletoe randomly hanging from a tree in the middle of the park aren’t really a “normal” thing.

Just then, my suspicions were confirmed. Jay reached his hand into the tree… And, out came a ring box! He got down on one knee and…

You guys… I couldn’t stop jumping from that point on! I was so insanely happy!

His words were perfect, the ring was perfect, and I couldn’t help but feel God was smiling down on us!

I screamed YES with all my heart and kissed him hard!

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Just as he stood up and slipped the ring on my finger, I noticed the guitar guy walking towards us. I looked at his face and it registered… It had been one of my best friends, Sean, playing guitar!!! And, he was still playing and singing “Jingle Bells!” Then, out popped Andy from the next light post over, one of Jay’s good friends! And, as I turned to see him, I saw Cat (one of my other best friends, who is married to Sean) come from behind the next pole shaking some actual jingle bells (Seriously. Cuteness.). And, then out came Jacki, Jay’s best friend and girlfriend to Andy!! Oh my goodness! All four of them had been waiting for us to arrive, setting up and then videotaped and photographed the whole thing from a distance. I couldn’t believe it!

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I was so surprised and my voice was uncontrollably squeaky as I asked for details and stood in disbelief! It turns out that these two couples, plus some of my family and friends, and many more had kept this secret for a while now! Jay had been planning the proposal for weeks!! Jay had even asked my dad for his permission to ask me to marry him almost a month ago!

My favorite Prosecco was brought out and we toasted and the night wasn’t even out of surprises yet. Jay and I hung back, hand in hand, as I asked him so many questions about the night and our friends led the way.

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Jay had gone to great lengths to plan a perfect dinner for right after our engagement. We got to Palomino’s downtown with all our friends and we sat and ate dinner while watching the Snowflake Lane performance on the main stage right outside our window. Jay and Jacki had scoped out the perfect place to eat during Snowflake Lane and it really was! There was snow, christmas lights, dancers and drumming nutcrackers. Seriously magical…. Not to mention, complimentary champagne, appetizers and dessert!!

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Seriously… What a night!!!

Silent Night

Now, after all has settled down, and I look back at last night, I can’t help but want to write down every detail. I know I will want to remember last night for the rest of my life. <3

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Austyn was incredibly excited this morning when she woke up to see such a sparkling ring on my finger. I FaceTimed Jay into the conversation and we told her what the ring meant. That Mommy and Jay were getting married and that Jay was going to be her new daddy. You should have seen her sweet little face!!! Austyn’s eyes lit up and her smile was as wide as her daddy’s the day he found out he would see his best friend in Heaven again someday. I saw Nick’s smile then, in Austyn’s smile now. And, just, whoa. SO. Many. Feels.

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Jay and I both started crying… My goodness. We were just a big sloppy mess of beautiful and joyous tears over here!

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I won’t EVER tell you that any bit of sickness or death is a part of God’s plan. Because it is NOT. I won’t ever tell you that there is a REASON for hurt or heartache, pain or disease, broken marriages or lost lives. But, I will tell you… God CAN and DOES work ALL things (the good and the bad) together for ULTIMATE GOOD for those who love and believe in Him.

Two years ago today, I was just weeks away from losing my husband, my very best friend. Today, I rejoice in finding a new best friend to spend the rest of my days on this earth with (God willing).

Nothing will ever change who Nick was to me. Nothing will ever take away from our love. And, no wedding will ever revoke my widowed title to Nick. But, now I am “fiancee” to Jay and I just couldn’t feel more blessed to start planning for the day I become his wife.

I have had the love of two absolutely amazing men in my life and, my goodness, I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m going to enjoy it just as much as I possibly can. <3

 

Think You Married the Wrong Person?

I haven’t really been around for very long at all, so I don’t claim to be an expert by any means, but I’ve experienced a thing or two…

Last night, I attended a wedding of a dear family friend. Two beautiful people joined together by law and by God. Before the ceremony began, thoughts of my own wedding day swirled through my mind.

A BEAUTIFUL BEGINNING

August 16, 2008 is a date that I will never forget. It was magical, perfect and I felt God’s presence and blessings so strongly that day. I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, exactly when I was supposed to be there. Like a perfectly timed song on the radio, my fairytale had come and everything was as it was supposed to be.

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Nick and Alyssa

When we were dating, Nick and I could make anything *feel* magical. But, it wasn’t because we were doing anything particularly special. It was because we APPRECIATED the time we spent with each other, and realized what a blessing the other was. I remember the day the picture above was taken. We simply went to a park after work. We took pictures and laid in the grass and talked about our childhood, our lives, our futures. Nothing was particularly romantic, but it felt romantic as ever. It was ALL mindset.

But, feelings can change. Feelings are fickle.

And, if we aren’t careful, negative feelings CAN rot our most precious gifts….

As the months and years of our marriage began to pass us by, I am ashamed to say, we let the magic fade. Nothing changed about our marriage, really. Nothing changed about the romance. But, Nick’s mindset had shifted a bit, and I had let my mindset change entirely too much.

Instead of simply realizing the blessing of *being together,* we focused on what we wanted next. A bigger house, nicer clothes, more expensive cars…

Suddenly instead of the home-made romance I had cherished before, I came to a place where I had decided I wanted NEEDED more.

I fell for the lie that materialistic things *equal* worth (and, even, your marriage’s worth). I lived in a place where exotic vacations, expensive jewelry, and fancy surprise date nights with red-carpet-worthy dresses were a sure sign of the level of adoration that your husband actually held for you. (Or, so I thought.)

It was horrible. UGLY, really. I don’t like sharing the rather hideous parts of myself (who does?) and I’m ashamed for some of these things I’m about to share. But, it’s the truth… And, though I don’t believe sharing my story makes me any less guilty (only God’s grace does that), I do believe that sharing my story may help someone else.

THIRD YEAR’S THE CHARM?

A week of particularly petty fights had lead up to our third anniversary. Nick had acted like he hadn’t planned anything for our anniversary, and I thought that he possibly was planning some sort of surprise. That there was some kind of plan. Along came our anniversary, a weekday… I went to work and didn’t get any flowers delivered. I came home and didn’t have a card waiting for me. Nick arrived home and asked where I wanted to go to dinner. He thought we should go out but didn’t want to get too far away because he had to get up early for work the next day. So, after much argument, we settled on a small local restaurant in Monroe. Sure, it was the nicest one in town, but Monroe was tiny and this place welcomed construction workers after a long day on shift. I dressed up as best I could, and without a second glance from Nick, we trekked out to the restaurant. The dinner went by uneventfully, like any other night, other than the fact that I spilled my drink completely into my lap.

Ripping disappointment seared through my heart and I felt sorely unappreciated. It hurt. And, I sulked all the way home and when we pulled in the driveway, I ran upstairs and locked myself in my walk-in closet (girl didn’t know how good she had it). Nick was apologetic but also slightly confused. After all, he had asked me multiple times that week what I wanted to do. I had hinted that he should surprise but never came right out and said it. And, let’s give the guy a break, he was 24 years old and pretty new at this whole marriage thing.

When Nick walked away, done with talking through a solid wood door, I rolled into the fetal position and cried out to God. I wondered allowed. “God, did I marry the wrong person? Does he even love me anymore?”

In hindsight, I see so much that was wrong in my thinking. I had put all the pressure on him and hadn’t taken any responsibility for making *him* feel loved either. No, he hadn’t surprised me with much, but all I had gotten him was a card at the grocery story on my weekly shopping trip and expected him to put together everything else. I wasn’t clear with him on what I wanted or expected and, honestly, I hadn’t tried hard at all to appreciate him for the last week, let alone the last few months.

But, that’s all hindsight. At the time, I thought it was a real possibility that I had made a mistake. Or, God had made a mistake. And, that maybe Nick and I weren’t meant to be together after all.

Fast forward 5 weeks later, I’m sobbing in Nick’s arms on our living room couch. He’s just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and I realize that my entire world is being threatened.

So, Did You Marry The Right Person Or Not?

Let me tell you something…. If you have ever thought “Did I marry the right person?” or you are thinking it now…

HOLDING ON to your spouse during the trying times and the questions is what marriage is supposed to be about. Better or worse. Sickness or health. Fancy cars or beaters… You are in this TOGETHER.

When you said your vows, your spouse BECAME God’s will for your life.

Marriage is a sacrifice. You won’t often get what you want. You may even have days or weeks or months where you are struggling for a reason to stay. But, if you do, when you do… I can tell you that it will make all the difference in your life and in your husband’s or wife’s.

A BEGINNING AND AN END

In a short five years, I experienced the BEGINNING and the END of a marriage. We had ups and downs, like most people do…. though I would say that we had many many more joys that difficulties.

My marriage started after I stood on a stage, in front of my family and friends and pledged my life and love to the most wonderful man I had ever known. It started when, with my best friend’s hand in mine and a smile spread wide across my face, we walked down the aisle announced as Mr. and Mrs. Nick Magnotti. We were so excited for the life to come. The decades we would surely have together.

Hello. One… Two… Three… Four… Five. Goodbye.

My marriage ended five years later when I laid down on my husband’s hospice bed in the master bedroom we had shared. His fragile body had barely made an imprint on the mattress, but alone and curled up, I tried to fit into it. I got as small as I physically possibly could, trying to disappear. Noises emanated from my soul that I had never heard before. The pain burned white-hot in the middle of my being. The funeral company had taken my husband away and nothing of him at all was left.

The beginning and the end. So very different. SO. MUCH. JOY. and then SO. MUCH. PAIN.

I may have given up fancy trips and sparkly jewelry by marrying a sweetheart of a mechanic, but my GREATEST blessing was giving up my everything to care for that man in his last days.

On his worst cancer days… When I had to wash him, feed him, turn him, help him with his medications, clean up after him… The days where I didn’t take a second for myself, those days I saw MORE of what it was like to be in a REAL MARRIAGE with REAL LOVE than I could have ever seen on a trip to the Caribbean. 

So, whether you are sacrificing a *little* of yourself each day, or giving up your everything for your spouse, please see it as the blessing that it is. Recognize that our time together is not promised. That YOU ARE VERY MUCH meant for your spouse. And, that you never know what God’s plan is for your life.

Your spouse may act like they don’t need you today, but maybe there’s a day coming when their life, their soul, will depend on you.

And, maybe today, it feels like you would be better off without your spouse, but if you go, I can assure you that you’ll have days you wished you had someone. 

Do YOUR part.

Hold up your end of the bargain.

LOVE with ALL that you have, even if it seems like the other person isn’t trying.

It’s an amazing, AMAZING privilege just to have another person walking by your side in this crazy lonely world. Try not to forget it.<3

 

What Matters Most

So, back in 2011, I spent a week arguing with my husband about whether my “outdoor kitchen” (even those words make me cringe now!) should face East or West. Seriously…. Seeeerrriiiooouuusssllyyy. BAH! My 24th birthday rolled around and I realized just how insane the argument was! NOT because I was 24 and was bestowed upon by the wisdom fairy… But because I found out that something was seriously wrong. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and my life would never be the same…

(I know I said 23rd birthday in the video… my math was off. I was actually 23, turning 24. Whoopsie. I never said math was my strong suit! teehee)

Comment below and don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE to my page and share as you wish (little Share button that looks like three connected dots in the upper right corner of the embedded video).

Sending love and TONS of light. And, all my wishes for you and yours to wake up to the real fight… Spreading LOVE far and wide!

Love y’all,

Alyssa

Unnecessary Pressure

Sometimes, I think we all wish the world were black and white. No grey. No uncertainty. Just honest and clear truth.

If someone says they are ok that it would mean they are ok. If they say they are happy then it means they are happy. But, it doesn’t always work like that… And, it isn’t because this world is full of a bunch of liars. It’s because this world is full of a bunch of survivors.

Everyone has been through something. Everyone is fighting a battle of some sort. Some people process things quickly. Some people take more time. Still, others process in bouts and spurts.

There is no time limit on grief. And, in a way, we are all working through grief of some kind, to a degree. Ever since we were kids, we are trying to process why something didn’t go the way we thought it would.

We are always either grieving the lost, the dead or the broken…. whether it be our dreams or our people.

I read a book by Don Miller recently called Scary Close. In it, he talks about this idea… That two people can’t ever actually complete each other. He also talks about how Christians always think or say, “Well, duh, two people won’t complete each other. It’s a Jesus-sized hole that only Jesus can fill it.” But, Don doesn’t think that the Jesus-sized hole answer is a very good one… and neither do I.

I asked Jesus into my heart long ago and I have an amazing relationship with Him, but I still hurt sometimes. Things still sting. Death still reeks of wrong. I still grieve. And, the hole in my heart is never quite full, even before tragedy struck. If I’m honest, I have never been 100% fulfilled. There is always at least a little something missing.

A lot of people put a lot of pressure on their relationships or their goals. They think that the completion or fulfillment of their Big Dream should fill that hole in their heart.

That once they land their dream job, they’ll be satisfied.

That if they could just attain a certain kind or level of success, they will feel like they finally figured life out.

That if they are just with the right person, they will feel complete.

But, I think this pressure on each other and on our lives is unnecessary and false. It’s just not that black and white.

I think understanding this is important… for our young ones, for our society… for me. We should recognize that we are all broken people in some way. And maybe we are just supposed to be okay being broken together.

We can work toward a better world, but we shouldn’t come to expect a perfect one.

This world wasn’t meant to be everything we need. Even with God’s presence, it isn’t perfect. If you can’t identify something wrong in your life at the moment, flip the news on. There are things going wrong all over the place and it has been that way since God’s original plan went south in the Garden of Eden. Sure, you can have days or weeks or months that might feel perfect for you even, but sooner or later, something will feel off, something will lack. And the black and white will start to fade to grey.

No relationship or career or lifestyle will make you feel 100% complete because, hate to break it to you honey, but this side of heaven… You. Won’t. Be. At least, that’s what I think.

Most grief is necessary and it can’t be helped. But, I think some of it can. What if we didn’t worry so much about our brokenness? Or his brokenness? Or her brokenness? And instead accepted it and loved anyway?

How many of us grieve something that wasn’t supposed to be perfect anyway?

What do you think? Do you think people put too much pressure on their jobs or their significant others to be perfect for them? For their lives to be perfect? Share your thoughts below. Would love to hear from you.

It’s Okay If You’re Not Okay

All in all, it’s beautiful

Sometimes you feel alone.

Sometimes you’re surrounded by friends.

At times your smile is brightest.

At times you wish you were dead.

Sometimes your heart skips a beat.

Sometimes you wonder where it went.

At times you hold the one you lost.

Until you realize what you thought was lost…

was actually only sent.

BAD THINGS AND BIG DREAMS

To share in these things… these bad things… These big dreams. These nightmares. These laughs. These screams… {{This}} is what it is to live. YOU are not alone. I am NOT alone. WE are all in this together. We ALL have those days… and THOSE days. This life is hard. This world can be so lonely. But, if you reach out… If you reach up…. You’ll find it really isn’t. We are all in this together.

We spend too much of our lives setting up expectations. Deciding what life should or shouldn’t be. This is where we are wrong.

For awhile, after I lost my baby to miscarriage… and awhile later, after I lost my husband to cancer…. I asked “Why?” …. “Why ME?”

But, now I see it for what it is. Why NOT me? Why not YOU? Why not us? We live in a reality where death is unfortunately an absolute and complete certainty. Everything in this world is decaying. Everything and everyone. Life is created on this planet and, in the same instant, thus starts the process of decay. I don’t think we were made for this. I don’t think this is our natural state, but I do know that we have to do with what we have and that we are in this.

It’s Okay if you aren’t okay

We haven’t been taught how to deal with pain. No matter what your pain is from, death, betrayal, denial, disappointment, or rejection, many of us try to deny it. Your pain is real and yet we all work so hard to hide it.

We post our smiles and our parties… We filter every picture and present a clean exterior as best we know how. Yes, let’s focus on the good days. Yes, let’s focus on the sunshine. But, please don’t turn your head to those who need you most. To those who are forced to live under a gloomy cloud today. It’s not all about finding peace, or even happiness on this side of heaven, it’s about LIVING as best we can. And LIVING sometimes means hurting.

But, beautiful things can be born of even the darkest days. Broken dark can allow for light to break through. When you feel it, let it shine. Let your guard down.

Be happy.

Or, be sad.

But, whatever you are… Be it, genuinely.

Everyone has a story. And… NO ONE ELSE can play your part. <3

What Are You Living For?

You were put here for a reason. I believe that, wholly. And I believe that purpose is holy.

I believe that every day that you are here is a day that was created with you in it on purpose.

Some days that can be hard to believe.

But, hold on, dear one. And, know that your purpose isn’t to be discouraged or let down or defeated. You are alive and you ARE victorious.

Trying to find your purpose? I think God has made it pretty clear. Whether you believe in the Bible or not, even the Universe points to it. Anything that makes this world a better place is full of love. Love is something (and possibly the only thing) that is worth living for. It’s worth breathing for. It’s worth even the grey-ist of days.

If I give everything I own to the poor… but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I am nothing without love. (1 Corinthians 13:3 MSG)

And, I’m not talking about the kind of love you see on most television shows. Or the kind of love splashed on the front pages of magazines. I am talking about real love.

A love that never gives up. A love that cares more for others than for self. A love that doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. A love that doesn’t strut. A love that doesn’t have an ego, that doesn’t force itself on others. A love that isn’t always “me first” and doesn’t get angry easily. A love that doesn’t keep score. That doesn’t keep track of the sins of others. A love that doesn’t revel when others grovel. A love that takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, sees the best, never looks back but keeps going to the end. A love that never dies. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 MSG) Love is an infinite victory.

We are not called to judge, or to wield our opinions as swords. We were called to come alongside our sisters and brothers, every single one. We were called to show love. Smile at that stranger. Forgive the person that said the wrong thing at the exact wrong time. Offer an encouraging word to the parent trying to wrangle their small child at Target (chances are it’s me, anyhow). Send a note. Give a hug to someone you love.

Meet each and every person with kindness and with overflowing love. For every single person you encounter is facing a challenge that you know nothing about.

Be brave. Live to love.

My prayer for purpose:

“Lord, be with me. Help me to emulate light and love as naturally and effortlessly as you do. Amen.”