The Light You’ve Been Searching For

My Baby Girl

I never thought I would be lying awake again, in the middle of the night, worried about the health of the one held dearest to me. No, Austyn is not “extremely” ill. But, she has been sick. And, this momma is having a hard time with it. And “hard” is most certainly an understatement.

She’s suffered from quite a few respiratory infections since she was little, with coughs seeming to hold on longer than they should. Over the course of the last few months, she has been sleeping with a cough on and off almost continuously. I’ve taken her to the doctors and done all that I could think of. They suspected childhood asthma and now, it’s all but been confirmed.

She also has some pretty nasty allergies. Tree pollen, grass, weeds, animal dander and yellow food dye 4 and 5. Her asthma seems to be induced by her allergies. When the pollen counts are high, her cough is much worse. I’ve been in the process of planning a move back to the Seattle area, and it seems that it couldn’t be coming at a better time (allergens are much less prevalent in the Pacific Northwest).

She will grow out of it, more than likely, the doctor suspects. She seems and acts fine during the day, smiley and cute as ever (albeit a bit overtired). But, some nights… the bad ones… like tonight… She coughs incessantly, no matter what I do. It feels as if I’ve stepped over the edge of a cliff and that the fall will never, ever stop.

I’ve been doing everything I can think of, everything I can find, I’ve taken her to the typical Western medicine doctors and to a Naturopath. I’m doing showers immediately after being outdoors, essential oils, cough medicines, chest rubs, and even a low dose of steroids (with extreme caution and after much internal debate). What less would I do for one that I love? No less than give anything and everything I own to make her well. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that, even everything you’ve got isn’t always enough.

Austyn Elizabeth


People used to tell me when Nick was sick that I was, “So brave.” They said the same thing at his funeral. And again when I moved from Washington to Florida with my little girl. They tell me I’m brave now that I’m moving back. I don’t mean to be argumentative, but I normally respond with a “It’s not me.” Or, a “Not really.”

Because…. in all honesty…. there are days, and especially nights, that I just don’t feel brave at all. Or, any version of the word. I’m scared. I’m trembling. I’ve felt a few monumental losses so I know there is probably some overreaction here… but even my baby’s painful coughs rip right through my heart. Each one reminds me of what I’ve lost… Reminds me of what I could lose again.

So, how do I do it? How do I smile? How do I make it through the years of seemingly endless nights? Here’s the thing… The thing that brings me through. When I feel like I can’t do this. When I feel like I just can’t live this life filled with pain, suffering, loss and darkness. I look to the Light. 


It is in our deepest and darkest nights, that our Light can be brightest. We must only remember to look. 

The journey I’ve been on these last few (almost) five years has been nothing short of staggering. I’ve experienced things that I wouldn’t wish on the devil himself. But, I’ve also been blessed beyond my wildest dreams by coming to know the One that my soul lives for.

I’m still on this journey to figure out exactly who He is, because I don’t believe that journey ever ends… But, I’m working towards really knowing my Creator, my God, my Jesus. And, I can tell you one thing.

He is here. 

In the broken, bitter dark.

In the endless nights of tear stained pillowcases.

In the scraped knees and wheezing breaths of our babies.

Even in the horrendous massacres of our fellow brothers and sisters across the oceans.

He is here.

And, he is there… with you. Too. Right next to you… Right now.

Sometimes, He can feel like He’s a million miles away. (Believe me, I experience this, too.) But, most every time, I have found, especially as we’ve grown closer that… when I call on Him, when I tell Him that I need His bravery, His wisdom, His courage tonight… He ALWAYS answers me.

AND… When He speaks, His answers don’t echo from millions of miles away. They are soft words, breathed so near to my ear, that I’m sure I am wrapped in His embrace. 

So much of this world is hard. So much of it is broken. So much of it doesn’t make a damned bit of sense (I’m sorry for the language, but I mean, really!).

But, there is so much in this world in the way of Lightness, too. So much Bravery in His Glory. So much Honor in His Love. So much to Cherish in His Creation. Find the Light. Find Him…

Remember that it’s okay to ask for the Light. It’s okay to open your eyes and look. And, it’s okay if you are finally WILLING to SEE.

(*Sidenote: I fully understand that MANY parents have to deal with sicknesses, allergies, and asthma with their children… Or far worse. It breaks my heart. And I am so sorry if you are in that place with a child, or a loved one. May the Light guide you to peace.)

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Proud mom, blogger, and coffee consumer

14 thoughts on “The Light You’ve Been Searching For”

  1. This is the same as my daughter who is 2.5 years old. I’ve been to a million doctors and finally found an awesome pediatric pulmonologist. We use the pulmicort nebulizer steroid 2x a day for a month. Then 1x a day for a month and then we are to stop. If she gets a cold we will give Claritin and start the albuterol (rescue nebulizer). It’s been miserable 2015 as she’s been so sick with the cough and nothing helps except an ab. I am the most natural person ever and generally shun all these meds. They are pretty sure she’ll grow out of it. But I know how you feel! Roll a wash cloth and put under her mattress. Also saline spray and the nose Frieda help with congestion, I use chestal when she has a fit in the night, think it slightly helps. Benadryl if she has a runny nose and post nasal drip. Also little remedies honey lolly pop-cough drops. Be careful with essential oils. Eucalyptus can cause respitory distress in young children. Good luck and hope she gets better soon!

    1. Thanks for the ideas, Laura. I really appreciate it! So sorry to hear your daughter is battling the same! Sending you lots of love and light! <3

  2. Yes The PNW does have fewer allergens (like I need to tell you) hang in there. Better days are coming!

  3. My husband had severed childhood asthma and he completely outgrew it and has better lungs than me now since I now have mild asthma. His parents tell me that that time was really rough. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I hope Austyn gets better with the move, since I know how rough it is to watch our loved ones suffer.

  4. our middle son has had asthma since he was 2 months old. He has grown to know his triggers, when he needs a neb or inhaler and when he doesn’t. He is triggered by environmental as well as significant food allergies… But is almost 16 and a varsity soccer and football player in High School. As hard as it is now, as she grows and can communicate more effectively, it’ll be easier! Hang in there!!! It’ll all be good! God has got this too!❤️

    1. Hi Cindy. Thanks so much for responding. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. Definitely a tough thing to deal with. God DOES have this too. You are so right! Thank you!

  5. hi. Thank you for this blog. I don’t know the sense of pain having lost a spouse but having a terminally ill baby isn’t that easy in itself. I’m reminded by reading numerous Christian books and listening to grounded pastors that God intends all of our sufferings for His good purposes. He may chastise us to grow holier but doesn’t punish us. God bless you in your life’s journey. The photo website is a side hobby of mine and Ezekielz Purpose Facebook page is about my infant son.

    1. I really do believe that God does USE the bad for our good… But I really don’t believe that He “needs” the bad to teach us these lessons. Or that He even encourages or delights in these hardships. Not at all. But, He can use even the worst to be the best for us. I do think it’s the furthest from what He originally wanted for us, though. Takes a while to explain but I’ll get there. So sorry about your son.. I’ll be praying for him and I’m now following your FB page. Sending lots of love and light. xox

  6. Alyssa,
    When you’re back here, give a call. They are the very best. I’m a school nurse and deal with lots of kiddos with asthma and allergies. It is not fun, but with proper diagnosis and management it can be kept at bay. I also have an amazing naturopath if you need that referral. Ann

    1. Hi Ann. Thanks so much for the link and the ideas. I will definitely check out NW Asthma… Seems like they might have some helpful stuff for sure. Really appreciate it! God bless you!

  7. Dear Alyssa,

    We know God holds a path in our life and our actions, our experiences are usually part of a bigger picture that we sometimes, as humans, fail to see.

    When Nicks story hit my screen one day I was more than moved and amazed to understand that his life and his video had come in such a time when I was trying to make sense of many things that are happening in my life as well, his message, your story, gave a vision in how God took me into his wing and now tries to give me signals of where my life and my family’s is heading.

    I guess what I am trying to sumarize, is that God’s bigger picture of the situations we go trought have a much bigger lesson for those who can sometimes, miles away, can only observe and be respectful and admire the courage that you and your family have found in these type of situations.

    You will be in our prayers and with the most highest respect let me finish by saying that no matter how dark and pale the situation can be, your testimony, your gorgeous daughter and the legacy from Nick will be the light in many others.

    God bless you

  8. My son was diagnosed with asthma when he was 18 months old, the diagnosis hit me like a brick wall and I was an RN. We spent many a night in the ER or at home in the bathroom with the hot water running. We have gone over his triggers many times such as cats. He is now 32 years old and guess what his companions are, two cats. While he was in school he was in the marching band for five years, which here in Missouri in the summer is horrible, he knew what and when to use rescue inhaler or when to go to his car for his nebulizer. I’m glad to see you took a proactive approach to your baby girls diagnosis, a lot of parents don’t. I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers and thank you so much for sharing your life. You have no idea what this has done for me.

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